How objectifying kills attraction
According to Google, the definition of objectifying is “to degrade to the status of a mere object”. However, my interpretation is: to base the value of another human-being on object-like qualities. And please note that this article can apply to other genders or sexualities too, however, as a heterosexual man, I can only authentically write this from that perspective.
I find that objectifying and projecting seem to go hand-in-hand. When I see an attractive woman, my mind sometimes seems to project magical qualities on to her, such as:
- She would make a great girlfriend
- She must be confident and happy
- She will make my life amazing
- I would be so lucky to have her
- She must be a wonderful person
- She’s probably great in bed
What’s insane is that my mind does this before I’ve even gotten to know her. For all I know, she might be a horrible human being who likes to set kittens on fire for fun. My former highly codependent and sex-addicted self probably would’ve probably been okay with this, so long as she’d be willing to sleep with me. My requirements for coitus were simply that she was attractive and compliant. Thankfully, my standards are much higher nowadays.
When you objectify a woman, this kickstarts the projection process. Rather than see her as just another flawed human being like yourself, it instead it makes you see them as some romantic or sexual object.
In my love addiction days, I would see women like a magical elixir that would heal all of my wounds and love me unconditionally. And as I became more of a sex addict, I saw women as more just body parts and sexual objects, projecting the fantasy of her giving me sexual oblivion and offering me an escape from all of my problems.
I find that many men in the pickup artist and seduction community have a similar path of trying to solve their love addiction, codependence, and people pleasing by replacing it with sex addiction and the obsessive pursuit of casual sex. But as they say: the opposite of crazy is still crazy.
When you start assigning magical qualities to women, this can create a strange power dynamic where you may worship, obsess or even resent them. And when you idolise women, you are likely to do one of two things:
a) Agreeing with everything she says, thinking you’re not worthy, becoming needy for her approval (which can push her away), or,
b) Using pickup techniques like “negging” and “DHVs” because you believe she is a “prize” to be won (which can push her away)
The result, either way, is lose-lose for both men and women; you feel frustrated, and she feels frustrated.
An attractive woman is like being a millionaire. Many men want to be their friend, but they want something from them (instead of money, sex). Think about it from her perspective: it would be very off-putting if people kept kissing your ass and trying to impress you to try and extract something from you. Wouldn’t you rather people be real, and try to get to know you?
So what’s the alternative to objectifying women? It’s fairly simple: See them as equally flawed human beings, with personalities to discover, rather than romance or sex objects; get to know them beyond their looks and the sex.
Do not be fooled by one of the great deceptions, which is that attractiveness equals self-esteem. While it may help, there are plenty of insecure attractive women. Why do you think they spend hours trying to look good and posting many selfies? Answer: validation.
One of my friends shared something rather visceral (but truthful) with me: “Remember that even beautiful women take big steaming dumps.”
Indeed, that they do.
Next time you see a woman, rather than projecting qualities on to her based on her appearance, or ranking her based on a number, try getting to know her beyond her looks. She may (or may not) be worthwhile getting to know. There is a difference between “trying to be a nice guy” versus simply getting to know her and allowing yourself to connect with her, one human being to another.
Many men are scared that if they just try to get to know her, they will be “friend-zoned”. I believe so long as your intentions are clear, and that you don’t try to be “the nice guy” or “the asshole”, you will have a fair chance at dating her.
Furthermore, when you start trying to look past a woman’s beauty, I guarantee you that you will stand out and this will be a game changer for you (pun semi-intended). When you become the buyer, and you’re looking to see if she has a sparkling personality to go with her body, not only will this make you come across as less needy and more attractive yourself, you’ll also increase your chances with her.
That’s assuming, of course, that she is worthwhile for you to date!
And finally, remember that once the novelty of having sex with an attractive woman has worn off, what’s left is her personality. Another reason why you should see if she’s worth getting to know.
And finally, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt after approaching 1,000+ women: you don’t need game.
If you’re interested in more about shattering deceptions, why not check out my upcoming book, “The Great Deception”.
This article was also published on The Good Men Project.
About the Author
BSc (Hons), Dip. Coach (Accred), NLP Master Coach, MAC
Nick Hatter is an Accredited Life Coach and Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) Master Coach, and is certified in Positive Psychology Resilience Skills. He is an expert on well-being and is one of London's leading career and life coaches.
He has featured on BBC, Channel 4, Forbes, Metro, AskMen, HuffPost and more.