I admit that I used to be heavily interested in everything related to pickup. In fact, I was so interested, I got into Daygame, and would sometimes spend up to 12 hours approaching women near Oxford Circus. And I became good at it, sleeping with a new woman regularly and constantly having a handful of women I was “pinging”.
I define “Game” as: Lying, DHVs, routines, negs, calculated and manipulated conversation - effectively thinking subconsciously “she won’t like me as I am therefore I need to do all these special techniques to make her know that I’m high value / I need to drop her value down or she will think she’s too good for me”.
But nowadays, if you saw me near Oxford Circus it’s probably because I’m going to meet a friend for a coffee or do some shopping myself. Things that normal people do.
I’m done with Game forever.
From what I’ve learnt on my journey, Game is purely smoke and mirrors. When I was doing Game, I was acting. I was a shadow of myself. I was pretending I didn’t care what a woman thought when in fact I craved nothing more than her approval and validation, especially if she was an “HB9”… I meant, very attractive woman.
I wasn’t even wearing clothing that was consistent with who I truly was. Instead of wearing what actually suited me, I wore black trousers, a black pseudo-leather jacket, black boots - because that’s what “R-selected” alpha men who get laid a lot wore, apparently.
Game can “work” on some women, but from my experience, the women who it works on are pretty damaged themselves. I’ve always wondered how I managed to sleep with so many mentally unwell women. But through my sex addiction recovery I’ve learnt a painful truth: I attracted damaged women because I was damaged myself.
The techniques I would use in Game would end up replicating some trauma relationship they had with their father. In other words, if their father was cold and dismissive, and I was cold and dismissive, the woman would be attracted to me in a weird and unhealthy way because that’s what she’s was used to. That was her model for what a man should be like.
Real confidence is the ability to speak your truth and be unaffected by the outcome. And this is what I am doing in this post. No doubt some may agree, some may disagree. But whether or not you approve of this article doesn’t change the fact that I am writing it and publishing it. This kind of thinking is the way of a “true Alpha”, or rather, of those who have self-esteem and believe in themselves.
And that’s the kind of the attitude I try to take nowadays. I have become much more honest and open. That’s why I wrote an article confessing my darkest secrets. This is my shit, and I am owning it. And because I own it, no one cannot use it against me.
I met a woman at an event not too long ago and she teasingly asked why I wasn’t drinking. Easy answer: because I’m on medication. Pure and simple. That’s my truth. Game in most cases can make you seem artificial and incongruent. Women have a good nose for bullshit, so why bother using it?
Real intimacy is sharing your truth, and real confidence is about sharing your truth without fear of the outcome.
Game is a lot of hard work. Keeping up an illusion is hard. And it involves analysis-paralysis, treating every interaction with women as a chess game to be won. Game forums and groups are full of men who are agonising over and micromanaging the small stuff. Why not just speak the truth and just live with the consequences? That’s way less effort.
For example, if I dated a woman now who spoke a lot about her ex-boyfriend, I would flag it up straight away, such as by saying, “you know, every time you mention your ex-boyfriend, I feel irritated and feel like you’re not being present with me”. She can then decide what to do with that information. She could respect my wishes and say “Sorry, I didn’t realise that was an issue for you. I won’t mention him again.” Or she could create drama and intensity, at which point, I’d realise that she’s not healthy. Or, I could try and use Game and pretend it doesn’t bother me somehow. That’s what some guys chose to do in this situation in one of my old Daygame circles.
Now that you know Game is just smoke and mirrors, which path will you take?
You take the blue pill, and you go back to using Game. You go back to living a lie, pretending that you don’t care when really you do. You will have some success with women, but you will know it in yourself that you are insecure and vulnerable and the whole thing is just an act. You will have bouts of depression and maybe even suicidal thoughts when you go through “dry periods”. You will get laid but you know in yourself that no amount of sex will be enough to fill the void for you. You will forever be living a lie and will be a prisoner of your own mind, fearful that the woman you lust after will be able to see just how weak and vulnerable you are behind the mask.
You take the red pill, and I can show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. You will face yourself fearlessly, looking at why you need sex and approval so much, and how you use it to plug the hole in yourself. You will begin to develop genuine self-esteem and confidence. You will genuinely care less what others think and will focus more on realising and speaking your truth. You will face your past trauma and look at how it has impacted your sexual relationships. You will become the man you always knew you could be, inside and out.
The choice is yours.
Whoever you are reading this, I believe in you. You are the man. Go out there and speak your truth proudly. Tell everyone what’s weak about you. And then, slowly but surely, you will become that confident man you knew you always could be, because you will genuinely not care anymore.
About the Author
BSc (Hons), Dip. Coach (Accred), NLP Master Coach, MAC
Nick Hatter is an Accredited Life Coach and Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) Master Coach, and is certified in Positive Psychology Resilience Skills. He is an expert on well-being and is one of London's leading career and life coaches.
He has featured on BBC, Channel 4, Forbes, Metro, AskMen, HuffPost and more.